This is a place where I chronicle my thoughts. My goal is to get healthier and walk around places to blog about.

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Date: 09/08/2024

Mood: Chipper

Doing Well!

There was a lot of stress, but fortunately it's over now and things can sort of get back to normal. For school I mean, I kind of kept having to play catch-up because I messed up with Algebra in the beginning. I don't know if I did super amazing because of that (mostly participation took the biggest hit) but I got through it. I had a brief break for a week between semesters where I got to rest a little and get used to my new medication. Which! I got Adderall! Extended release. I've been wanting to get on some kind of stimulant for a long time because I knew it would help like I just knew it would. And it is so much. My social anxiety when outside is diminished greatly, there's less racing thoughts, I still struggle with intrusive thoughts but it's much easier to kind of push them out and redirect my focus to something else. My executive dysfunction has also improved so much, switching tasks, starting tasks, and a little bit prioritizing what needs to be done is a lot smoother. It's helping so much even with PMDD, I've mostly been able to relax lol That sounds so innocuous but I've never been able to be chill. Even when I wasn't doing anything my thoughts would overwhelm me, I'd get overstimulated so fast, and then I'd be cranky and short with everyone in my life. It's not like it got rid of my flaws but they're much easier to manage now, I feel normal. Well, as normal as I can be lmfao

Medical updates, aside from the adderall start, is sort of in the process of scheduling waiting for insurance at the moment. I need to get my MAP card in the mail from renewal and then I can schedule referred stuff like my sleep study, podiatrist, and ENT shit. It's kind of an annoying process to get it but I'm really fortunate that they're so willing to help me out despite me being constantly frantic about it. Hopefully though! I'll be getting better sleep within the next few months and maybe my ankles fixed. Kind of bizzare I went a span of my life where my ankles were in any capacity okay like this apparently they're pretty fucked up internally. The ligaments and what not, I think it's become a problem because of not only my weight gain but just being older and the stress from one job in particular when I was younger. The tl;dr is that I sprained them when I was 12/13 and I never wore a boot, and back then there weren't a lot of protections in place for students. So they just made me run laps in PE with a sprained ankle so it never healed properly. We didn't get the boot because we couldn't afford it or Mom was just neglectful, hard to say in all honesty. I don't necessarily blame Mom for her neglect, it obviously had an impact on me but there was also so much shit going on at that age. But that's a story for another time. ENT is because my nose is weird and if I pull on my cheeks I seem to breathe better and I don't think that's normal. It's always kinda been that way but again, it got worse because presently I'm fat. Hoping that changes when I'm in more of a position to excercise, if I'm able to sleep better and my ankles no longer "pop" when I try to speed up it would be a lot easier to do.

Life wise not much else has been going on aside from that, I don't have a job still but I am taking an IT certification course this semester and getting a certificate for it. Then maybe I can get IT related jobs, which tend to pay a lot better. I don't know if I want to live on my own, I've been flip flopping on it a lot. Not necessarily with my parents but maybe up north with a friend? I just don't think I'd do well completely alone to be frank, I wouldn't be completely helpless that's not what I mean I can function somewhat okay but I think it'd just depress me. I don't know that's for future me to worry about. Boots is a year old now! He's a big boy and still growing in length I think? He's doing quite well and is really healthy, Squeakers I am a little worried about. He keeps getting this rash on his tummy and none of the doctors can seem to figure out what's causing it. I think it's the rugs in the house, personally. I'm not sure. Fiona is also doing well, and Socksy is doing okay too. She did lose a couple of her teeth, but she had dental (that's why the teeth are gone) and her other teeth are doing pretty well. Mom makes sure to brush her teeth now, she's a smart lil gal. Marco lives in Seattle still and he's lost a ton of weight, he walks everywhere is the main reason. He probably eats better since Mom usually has a monopoly on the kitchen here. I hope he's cleaning his house tho and not letting the dust build up, his room was so dusty when he left I had to wait for them to clean it because I couldn't breathe lmfao But maybe he's better about that now too? Or he took my advice and hires someone to clean occassionally, I don't know. And Zoe's b-day is this month! They'll be 22 I believe yes. But that's a big update because it's been a few months since I was concentrating on school and trying not to kill myself over the stress lol

Date: 07/23/2024

Mood: Tired AF

Studyyy

I've been so busy with school stuff and doctor's visits I haven't had a super lot of time to work on my website so it's slowed down a lot. I had a lot to catch up on, like months worth really. It became kind of a full time job on its own because I've only been able to take breaks now and then. Processing stuff I've kinda put off, the therapist I was hoping to talk to didn't pan out. To be honest finding a therapist is really hard. Like really hard. I'm using Open Path Collective which is very useful but in Texas there just isn't a lot of variety. And I can't say it's that surprising given how hostile the enviornment is here. The good news is that I might get on some stimulant medication and then I can be a real boy! Kind of excited about it because I've heard it stops racing thoughts/head too full, I think it'll be bizzare to have a completely quiet brain. But GOOODDD IT WOULD BE SO NICE.

At the moment I'm procrastinating on my participation because it requires posting many times in succession. I always feel a little weird and wonky posting so much in a row. Plus there's a weird guy in sociology being obtuse about gender and then like gaslighting me on his weird ass responses. Like, talk to me about forced femininity and the impact it's had later in my life where suddenly EVERYTHING I want has to be pink now or I'll die. Also if Meg reads this: I have your messages saved, I'm not quite brave enough to respond directly right now. But it meant a lot to me (thus I am keeping them). Also your cat is adorable.

Date: 07/13/2024

Mood: High Strung

Where is my mind?

So tired of symptom managing if I'm honest. Really tired of everything, it's not as bad as before where PMDD was exacerbating exisiting issues. I'm just kind of exhausted both financially and just my position, living in Texas has been a nightmare start to finish. I would never recommend anyone come live here. It well and truly sucks so much ass. Not that the temperature is that much different anywhere else, I think it's hot everywhere except super far north? Maybe. Or overseas I don't know. I spent like the whole day dissociating, escaping, whatever you wanna call it. I have assignments to do and shit, truly hope that the psych is good. Therapy didn't really work out for a dumb reason, I shouldn't be so picky but if I am to trust someone to talk to regularly they have to have good vibes. And blowing up my phone and email because I'm not there in literally 4 minutes over (I was turning on my fucking computer) is really silly. Especially after she rescheduled like 5 times because "conflict". Shouldn't you have a planner if you're a therapist? I imagine she has multiple clients, I don't want someone disorganized like that I'm already well and fully disorganized on my own.

In better news, finally an appointment with a pulmanologist next month. Originally it was gonna be in fucking OCTOBER, and I was like nah please get me in sooner. This sleep shit is seriously ruining everything I've got going right now right alongside the PMDD shit. I just want it taken out of me, I know I won't get that privlege, but it'd be so cool to be uterus free. Tired of them they yap too damn much. Boobs and uterus, just yank em out bud.

The dream is to be fully androgynous, I don't really care about the lower stuff except for the pmdd really. I'm kind of ambivalent, it serves a function! And frankly after hearing about testicular torsion and the weird shit dicks do I don't know if I would want one if magically I could do that. LIKE THE MAINTENENCE IS CRAZY, like I'm used to what I've got so it's not really that that's the issue. I used to have dysphoria about it in high school, I didn't know what that was until the past few years. I never really talked about that with anybody, I do remember that one butch girl who came up to me and bluntly asked, "would you date a girl?" or fuck a girl or something it was SUPER blunt. Did my best NO WAY I WOULD NEVER. Meanwhile I had a crush on the barbie girl rugby player. I just thought certain things were normal and then when it wasn't I tried to pray the gay away bc mom was a bit heavy handed about that. I'm rambling because I'm bored. Goodnight !

Date: 07/03/2024

Mood: Huh

I'm okay

The pmdd just hits real hard. I'm going to see a new psychiatrist about it in a few weeks. But I'll survive, I just have to scream. I'm processing stuff too, give me 3-5 business days. Some cats as penance.







Date: 07/01/2024

Mood: Hopeless

Yelling into a void

You know I don't think people take it seriously when I say some things because I never have follow through because ultimately I'm a coward. I always have been. I fear failure and rejection so strongly that I tend to never experience anything remotely worthwhile. I just sit in my room isolated and alone with the only solice my friends on the internet which are sometimes tantamount to having an imaginary friend. They're no less tangible, it's not as if I can fly across the fucking country to see anyone and take a nice little break from everything. I don't actually know who would actually want that anyway. I'm not even pleasant to be around normally. I kind of just pretend at being human and hope that some poor bitch takes pity on me and we hang out sometimes. It's a salve for a greater problem that I can't seem to fix like I am just fundamentally broken and I try not to be and not let other people make me worse but it doesn't fix anything. This problem extends to other intrapersonal relationships, I can't form bonds at work or school or anywhere because I never know what to say back that sounds functionally human. I sound like fucking AI pretending at being human.

Then that filters into my mediocre ass fucking artwork. I'm sure she'd be so delighted I took that to heart the sadist. Like I'm so tired like maybe I need someone, is that so fucking weird? I've never been more than a prop for people to play with but the moment I need fucking anything I'm just casually dropped. It took me a long time to realize that it started with my parents, they do a lot of shit now because I'm sickly and broken out of obligation but they don't ever do it because it's a nice thing to do and they care about me. I can't drive so I have to ask them for rides because where we live is not very walkable and I'd argue that it's dangerous to walk around here because psychos try to hit you on purpose (they hit my brother before on his bike). So I have to ask for rides I have to even if I want something small I need a ride and it's like I just asked them to jog 10 miles. I didn't choose to be like this I didn't choose to get born into a family who ignored very obvious fucking problems when people told them something was wrong and now I'm dying like what do you want me to do? I'm trying to get healthy and I'm trying to keep spirits up and I'm trying to do everything and it's not enough it's never fucking enough I have to perform for eternity and then just die if I can't.

I find myself hoping lately that my untreated sleep apnea just kills me while I'm having a plesant dream. Lull me into the abyss with soft memories of a life I never got to live. Let me sleep with the foolish belief that people ever really loved who I actually am and not the version of me I created to be pallatable. Nobody's going to fucking read this bullshit anyway. lmao my website of prebuilt templates as mediocre as the rest of me.

Date: 06/20/2024

Mood: yippee

Digital Camera

I was influenced, I'll admit it. I wanted the crunchy images from the mid-2000s. My 20s I don't really remember, so it's been kind of healing in a way to go back a little. Like it's not 'oh hazy memories' like I deadass don't remember anything, it's largely blank except for little pockets where my late cat Keiko comforted me. My poor baby, I miss her so much sometimes especially because I can't remember so much. It's kind of like everything went up in flames, and the only pieces I have saved are scraps saved from the fires. Damaged and barely legible images in my head that I can't seem to recall no matter what I do. So anyway, this site and just reclaiming bits of my childhood are oddly soothing in a way. I don't actually know if it's a mid-like crisis or a 'trauma made me forget' crisis. I am going to start seeing a new psych so maybe I can get on medication that actually helps the ADHD because they are severe.

I think I should stay focused on what this site is for though, I've oddly been so... pessimistic and down. I mean, I have depressive disorder no duh but I mean I'm becoming a bit fixated on if people would like my site or not or approve of it despite me not being very good at coding. It's not for that, it's for me. It's for myself to chronicle things and put it somewhere to be memorialized. I have a very strong fear of forgetting or getting alzheimers or anything to do with memory really. I've remembered more strongly recently but it's almost like my sense of object permanence is messing with it. ADHD messes with object permanence a lot. I wouldn't be surprised if that was it. I wish I didn't have it really, it must be so nice to be normal and have normal thoughts and be able to do normal things. Sigh... ANYWAY.

If someone stopped by and read all that here's some crunchy 2000s esque photos of my cat Boots that I took today with my new camera! Also I know the date is wrong, I have to set it.




Date: 06/15/2024

Mood: overwhelmed

Dyscalculia sucks

I wish so often I did not have dyscalculia. It affects so much and the way I just lose all steam when it doesn't click naturally. Because I have midterms right now and I am so behind on everything and I need my doctor to be like "hey they should have this waived" but so many things have to happen. I'm so fucking tired dawg.

I really hope the pulmanologist calls soon so I can get the sleep study done. Please I so tired.

Date: 06/13/2024

Mood: Sleepy

Doctor's Visit

Bad news, there's a reason the Sony Mavica was only 20 dollars. The learning curve is steeper than other DSLR cameras and frankly it's hard to take candid photos with it. It is definitely meant for professional photography more so than the average person. It's got a flair to it though, so I can't say it's a total wash. I'll probably use it for something once I read the manual. For now I'll just try that 25 dollar shit they're shoving down my throat on tiktok for candid photos. I do want a good film DSLR someday though, I like the tangible nature of film.

Good news is that I went to the doctor and they were SO much nicer oh my lord. I had a list prepared because I just have a lot of unaddressed issues and finally someone listened to me! She went through the list and is sending out several referrals and finally, FINALLY I'm going to get my sleep apnea addressed. Which thank god I'm so fucking tired. All the time. It's unbelievable, and because I sleep during the day I stay up later and the cycle continues ad infinitum. And I'm fucking like yea I know fatigue is caused by MANY things but I know sleep apnea was the biggest issue. Because I'd wake up out of breath, and it gives me the WEIRDEST fucking dreams.

Here's hoping this is my glow up era.

Date: 06/10/2024

Mood: Better

Doing Better

The violent mood swings aren't a surprise but they still hit me pretty hard. Regardless, it'll be easier to deal with things once it's all over. I have a doctor's appointment this Thursday who will be my new gp for awhile I hope. I'm nervous and hopeful about it. I have a lot that I'm just dealing with because I haven''t had real insurance for awhile. It's still not REAL real insurance but it covers more than what I was doing before. Texas is truly awful, if you ever planning on moving don't go to Texas. Go literally anywhere else lol

Other than that my Sony Mavica camera comes tomorrow, I dearly hope it works as described. It said 'tested and working' but it was only 20 bucks so I'm skeptical even if it is an old camera. Maybe it's not one highly sought after? I don't know. I've never had a DSLR camera period so it'll be nice to take pictures. Hopefully they're a little crunchy.

School wise I'm still in an Algebra rut but I decided to work on my other classes for a bit so I don't go insane actually. The midterm is in a few days though so I can't take too long. Gotta cram like 4 weeks into three days sure I'll be fine.

Date: 06/08/2024

Mood: Hopeless

Lacking Motivation


The PMDD is hitting hard as usual and I'm trying not to let myself go into a hole but it's tough. Why do I keep failing at the things I want to do? I prefer working on this site to be honest but I can't really tell how active this kind of medium is. This is both good and bad for me to be honest. It's hard not to think that I'm kind of just talking into a void but then again that was more or less the point. It's hard to navigate without a therapist but yknow taking things on mostly alone is how I'm used to anyway. Like there's a whole debate on how much you can really lean on your friends and in a hyper-individualistic society it's been sort of drilled into our heads to not ask for help. Just gotta ~be an adult and do it~.

Most of the past few years has been sort of me googling issues and seeing if anyone can relate in anyway and then taking advice on what to do about it from strangers online. I've gotten real good at googling my problems because who else do I reasonably ask? My parents? My closed off parents? They don't even have any friends either. They used to but when we moved and they tried to keep in touch I guess they got told "well ur the ones who moved so why should we bother?" which is honestly pretty fucked up no matter what age you are. People that I'd known for half my life by the way, I was 15 years old when we moved.

I don't know I'm rambling. I just keep failing and failing and it's kind of disheartening because I don't know what I should be doing different. I am trying my best and it doesn't seem to be enough. Even socializing I'm like incredibly just... people tend to avoid me whether it's on purpose or just kind of the nature of being online now that's what happens. It's not like I'm any good at keeping up with shit anyway. So can I actually hold that against anybody? Not really.

For real me:

Date: 06/07/2024

Mood: TIRED

Demand Avoidance

I do not want to do three chapters of fucking algebra. I'll have access to my notes for the midterms but I sort of have to TAKE THEM in order for them to be fucking useful man. I do see my GP before the exam so maybe if she's nice she'll sign off on a paper or something for them to waive math for me? I don't know I've never asked for it before. The good news is that my loans from my Art Institute days have officially been forgiven under borrower's defense so I'm no longer capped for financial aid. Which is an incredible relief. I just need to stop procrastinating on this algebra shit and just do it. I just don't want to... I don't know if it's demand avoidance, executive dysfunction, or I really am lazy I can't tell. It is pretty torturous though. Like pulling fucking teeth to be honest. I'LL DO IT THOUGH I'LL MAKE IT. I just gotta start the chapters...

Oh also I bought an old digital DSLR for like 20 bucks, hopefully the guy wasn't lying about it working because I'm pretty excited to use it. Give me those crusty jpgs camera!

Date: 06/06/2024

Mood: Hyperfocused

Trouble Concentrating

Despite me taking my medicine regularly, I've been getting pretty hyperfocused on creating this website. Not only because it's fun really, but I'm avoiding Algebra. I have to get through three chapters and my dyscalculia having ass is not really having it. Like it just won't process no matter how much I study and despite asking for it to be waived, they need information from a medical provider. I don't have a therapist right now and my psychiatrist is probably booked into next year. It's becoming a herclean task just to log onto the school website.

I can't keep doing this forever, but it's so exhausting dealing with a toddler inside my brain. I don't understand why I just can't DO it. I mean I know now but it doesn't undo the lifetime of shame that's accumulated from my past mistakes. Oh well, at least the website is coming along nicely.

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